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In January 2013 after a very traumatic experience, My partner and I lost one of our twin daughters at birth due to medical negligence. We have since also been through two misscariages.

This is a very sensitive subject and I want to raise awareness so that other people don't feel so alone in the world like I often do on a daily basis. I am hoping to raise money to go to my local sands group towards the bereavement suite in Hastings, something we didn't have access to when Nyree was born.

It breaks my heart that we didn't get much time with her, I was left in the recovery room after an emergency c-section and we only got to see and hold our daughter on a couple of occasions for a short period of time. I wish more than anything that I spent more time with her, had more pictures, took pictures of her with her sister as it's the only opportunity we would ever get.

I hate that at some point another family will go through this and i want to do my bit and help out with what could make this journey after birth just that little bit more bearable.

Anything would help, even if it's just £1. Thank you for reading.

 I wanted to talk about my grief, to possibly raise awareness, to get it off my chest I'm not sure. I've been feeling very lonely lately. You may think I'm ok, and I come across as ok i will post pictures on social media and i laugh/smile and I'm genuinely happy but behind all that lies grief where I'm always in a world of my own, a world where I constantly watch Malikah imagining her sister by her side achieving every milestone together, longing to know what it would have been like, my heart shattering anytime someone talks about twins, someone they know having twins or seeing twins, just a constant reminder. I live with post traumatic stress, in which I still have dreams, still find myself back to the day it all happened whilst I'm just doing my daily, breaking down in tears or crying myself to sleep. Visiting her graveside and looking at the few pictures we have of her, it's not how it was meant to be. I've gone from being the happiest I've ever been after battling depression, severe anxiety,ocd and self harm since I was 12. Knowing I was expecting twins, to waking up after an emergency c section, seeing my daughter who had passed away by my side looking like a perfect sleeping baby. Not many people know what happened that day, the trauma Joseph and I went through the day we were handed a life sentence. Its been nearly 6 years and it scares me how long I will have to live with this, my future is not the same as it once was, it will now consist of coping daily the best I can knowing there is nothing I can do to change it and it was all down to negligence. Not only my future has been lost but Nyree's her friendships, career, children, traveling, life experience, our potential grandchildren. I Have lost friends, I don't have any consistent friendships in which I speak to someone daily/weekly I struggle to maintain conversations, make arrangements to go out because of not everyone knows what I've been through and I also don't want to not tell them about my daughter. I've had people cause drama in my life when i was at my lowest point for no other reason than them being selfish and thinking of themselves which has in turn caused a lasting effect. I'm not the mum I wanted to be, I love my children with my every being but sometimes I feel they deserve better because I'm full with so much pain, anger and frustration. Grief is a very lonely journey, with many comments that make it worse, it will not get easier, it does not get better I just do my best everyday but this world I live in where I'm walking amongst everyone but I still feel like I'm in a separate bubble is a lonely one. People may find this attention seeking, that's not what I want, I just wanted to talk about how I feel and how much I miss my baby. Thank you to my sisters who I literally have no idea what state I would be in without them, Joseph and my babies here with me who make me feel loved make me smile, laugh daily knowing it's ok to be happy still and live my life the best way I can making forever memories with them, despite the grey hairs they have given me. And the few friends that stuck around and continue to love and support my children and I who this will also have a lasting effect as they too lost their sister xxxx